Sunday, January 20, 2013

"Mom, where do babies come out?"

Notice the phrase: not "where do babies come from?" but "where do babies come out?". I was driving back from a friend's house in Columbia, hands at ten and two on the steering wheel, when I heard the question from the back.

The boys were tuned in to Toy Story 3 on the DVD. But not Madi. She was focusing on the "how" of life.

I wasn't prepared for the question. And that's an understatement. I know a few moms who answer "from your belly button". Now, I get it. I do. But frankly, that would freak me out more than the truth. So I embraced a tactic that has worked for me for years.

I pretended to not hear her. It didn't work. She asked louder. I may have said "huh?". She asked again.

Here is how that conversation went:

ME: "Well, when babies are ready they just come out!"

Madi: "I know that!!! But where do they come out?"

Her tone was the mix of innocently relying on you for information with a little warning that you better not screw with her. I know that tone.

ME: "You have special parts where the baby comes from when it's time."

Madi: "Okay. But where are those parts?"

ME: "Ummm...."

Madi: "Mom, I asked you where they were!"

ME: "I heard you! They are between your legs!"

Now, I think we are all adults here, right? I mean, I hope I have not ruined this for the rest of you. I swear I did my best.

Madi: "Oh!! So that's why you were laying in the bed after you had Will! Well, will it tear my pants?"

ME: "You got it! And no, your pants will be fine!"

Madi: "Well good! I hope I get to see it when I get older!"

ME: "You will!"

Madi: "Yeah... And then they will put the baby in one of those special beds. It will be great! Hey Mom, did I tell you I had cheese pizza for dinner?"

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Good people of Charlotte...

I truly like each and every one of you, but I cannot contain my frustration any longer. So I'm begging you -

I know this may sound petty and mean, but folks, there are reasons that this behavior can no longer be tolerated. Here's just a couple of them:

First, I accidentally (I swear it's not on purpose!) ram your side mirrors when I open my back doors to get my kids out of the car. And if I am, by some miracle, able to avoid slamming into your mirror with my door, chances are, my youngest will be kicking and screaming pretty forcefully and will get a good jab in. 

Secondly, its just a wee bit annoying when you are waiting patiently for a parking spot, only to have someone - from the next lane over - pull in and forward just when you are about to claim what you have waited patiently for. I really am not one to try to the get the absolute closest spot to the door, but when I lose a spot because someone has pulled forward, I become irritated.  And irritated moms are no fun.

Last, you have reverse as a gear on your car for a reason - if nothing else than to back out of parking spots.  Now, my car is a bit older, so if new cars actually do not have the reverse gear, please correct me. Otherwise, let's see you use that gear!

Good people of Charlotte, you guys are so friendly and so welcoming. I truly hate to give you a hard time for something so small and insignificant as this... So let's all band together, and make a positive change in 2013.  Resolve to no longer pull forward into parking spots!

Thank you.